Although my specialties have not included reproductive health, research on the hot topic of screening procedures has recently led me to reading material about other reproductive health issues. I had actually planned to write about premature ejaculation today, but it is such a sensitive issue for men that just the thought of that herded me in a different direction, so I decided to go with the flow. Bear with me, please.
Background:
This is more to share something personal, so that anyone reading can understand where I'm coming from on the subject.
I was very fortunate in my youth, however I stumbled upon that fortune quite unexpectedly. I quickly grew exhausted from the games girls played in their circles of friendships. To be bluntly honest, they could be terribly mean to each other in the search for status and popularity. I said 'no thanks' to that, and backed out.
Although I cannot exactly recall how the next years came about, I did end up hanging around with a group of guys. They were fantastic people, and I loved them dearly. They allowed me to 'hang with them', and I was kind of quiet, so I certainly didn't engage in a lot of girly-girly topics of conversation. I went with their flow, and enjoyed being in their company. They were just very real and uncomplicated.
They never tried to play the role of 'tough guys' or 'popular jocks' (you all understand teenagers). Although they were excellent athletes, it was more things they did and enjoyed, more than they seemed to let the activities define or control who they were. They were my best friends, yet I don't remember ever expressing to them how I felt. But, I think they knew.
Anyhow. I spent enough time with them that I was fortunate to observe their humanness. I could see and hear that they could be sad, angry, irritated, silly, happy, and all of the emotions I recognized within myself. There really wasn't much difference between us, and they were just as hurt and angry at relationship breakups as I could be. They always seemed to stay in touch with themselves, and from what I can tell today, they seem to be awesome spouses and fathers.
I am certain that they have 'the edge' in real life relationships, even though it does not mean that they are perfect. In conclusion here, my background means that I have tended to be quite protective of males throughout the years.
I can become enraged when I hear of situations where women have blatantly exploited men as objects for personal gain. Especially if the guys are single, on the dating market, and operating in an authentic and honest manner from who they are as human beings. This is because the exploitation of women as objects equally enrages me. I abhor the actions and the destructive consequences this mindset can create for so many. But, my protection is not necessarily unconditional, nor naive. If they are married and another woman is involved, I refuse to dismiss them from their own role and accountability. And, vice versa.
A trend from the past:
I was almost too young to really understand the beginning uproar of the whole women's lib movement. You know, the bra burning lib kind of stuff. I do understand however, the effects it had on many men as they attempted to 'get in touch with their feminine side'. How do I know? They've told me about it.
That whole trend in its entirety stands so clearly before me as a gigantic misunderstanding. I believe the wish was for men to get in touch with their humanness by casting the chains of unnecessary male social conditioning. That is unless women really believed that they were the only gender to own emotion. Who knows. Perhaps that was also the case.
I also believe that men may have heard and read those words, and took them face value and literally. They assumed that they should do exactly that, and therefore females were the role models. It is then no wonder that men from these generations felt it exhausting to act like a gal's best chit-chatting girlfriend, and felt clumsy when they couldn't automatically cry at the drop of a hat. It seems as though they felt the expectation was to mirror their female counterparts.
Yet, it also seems clear to me that men did this to please women, and to hopefully be a more attractive mating option on the dating market. Yes, to get the date. Or, to get sex? Perhaps both.
The fact is that so very many felt like failures and felt it impossible to continue a facade in an attempt to achieve an objective. The criticism also arrived from females that they disliked the outcome. They wanted their 'men are men', men back. Of course! They already had girlfriends, and I believe that what they were wanting to express really wasn't clearly expressed. Unfortunately, many men gained one more opportunity to draw a typical "women are so fickle. They never know what they want" conclusion.
My life experience has always given me the edge when working with men either as clients or patients. They may have stopped listening to their wives regarding important subjects, but that is because it is difficult to listen in our intimate relationships. This is because that which is going on is so tightly tied to themselves/ourselves (this is applicable to all people), and tied to that is vulnerability. I can state something similar to a male in a client setting, and since I'm an outsider they can hear the words more easily, because they are not emotionally tied to me.
So, while many strong and silent type of men fight wifely wishes for them to open up and verbalize more frequently, they do understand the rationale behind it when I explain what it means, and help them understand the misunderstandings that are taking place. And, that 'no', they are not expected to become female-like in the process. Nor, do I let them off the hook when I hear, "that's just the way we men are", because I know more than they think I know.
For the men out there:
1) Your partners are not asking that you be a mirror reflection of them as females. I believe that their wish is that as you mature and grow older, you should be able to see more easily that you can cast the ball and chain of many social conditioning aspects aside. You do not have to keep everything bottled up inside.
I have repeatedly observed it happening with men as a natural effect of personal crises. They begin to prioritize differently and adjust values. They become more engaged in their intimate relationships. Yet, people do not have to wait for a crises to happen before connecting to their core being.
The truth is that we cannot connect more authentically with other people than we connect to self. That is, being human with an array of thoughts, feelings, life experiences and the reflections and learned lessons from them. These things are universal, not gender specific. In doing so, you become more 'real' and the benefits are magnificent!
The more distance you have to yourself, the more distant your partners will feel during moments of interaction, and this is what they fight. This is what they say they are dissatisfied with in their relationships. It creates an enormous sense of loneliness. And unfortunately, more often than not, it is women that initiate divorce first because of this. Strength can quickly overstep a boundary, becoming stubborn pride that sabotages.
2) Emotional maturity means that as we age we learn and practice putting words to our inner worlds and perceptions. None of us are born with the ability, it is something we all have to learn. It does actually serve an important purpose. If we let thoughts revolve in our own minds, they will eventually take on a life of their own. Negative spins become more negative, and assumptions and conclusions drawn usually end up being way off mark. Using ourselves as the sole sounding board is detrimental and ultimately harmful to self, because the feedback is usually self-protective. We end up overly defending our own positions, and we remain mentally, emotionally and socially handicapped and immature.
Learning to verbalize serves the purpose of sorting. We can hear our own unrealistic perceptions out loud, and it is extremely important that we hit a more realistic mark when we consider troublesome situations. We must keep in mind that we wish to also find "win-win" solutions. Conversing with a close partner that knows us helps immensely. It is such a beneficial asset, and sorely underestimated.
3.) Expressing means being able to calmly describe that which is happening inside. Yet, it does not mean that we express only negative emotion. It means that we also share the positives of happiness, silliness, laughter, and inspiration, among others.
People that bottle things up inside, can simmer for years in negativity and negative experiences that weigh down. But, there is something else important that it creates, which tricks the mind. This pattern constrains the people, themselves. They become locked within themselves, and they can develop the tendency to blame others, jobs, etc. for constraining them, when this may not be true at all. So, they may also develop the behaviors of running away, or hiding, or seeking external variety, which also affects their relationships. Yet, the answer of liberation lies within, and the key has always been in their own hand unnoticed.
4.) Most importantly! Working on this is crucial to your health and well-being, and I cannot stress this fact enough. Health is much more than the mere absence of illness. There is a vast difference between this and 'getting in touch with your feminine side' to gain a date or tempt the love of a female.
It is for the health of self, and the effects vary from preventing illness, increased energy, all the way to high marital satisfaction experienced by both parties, which is reported to lead to more and better sex among other things.
So, I know some of you may be thinking is there really a difference? Aren't we used to females being better at opening up and expressing? Isn't that kind of feminine? No, females may just have more practice. Furthermore, more women need to learn to use their practiced ability for a purpose, to solve a problem, to gain closure, etc.
Yet emotions are human. They are universal. Verbalizing is a universal ability, and problem solving can also be that. The bottom line is that we are not so different from each other, and we are much more capable of helping each other than we actually utilize.
Those people that feel they can 'control' their emotions behind lock and key by non-expression and sole inner-dialogue are the ones that are most unknowingly controlled by their emotions. Food for thought.
Okay! That's enough for one day. If you know a brother, friend, colleague, boyfriend, father or spouse that might benefit from this article of "food for thought", please e-mail it to them! Let's all help each other out start moving and progressing to more of what we can be. Everyone deserves a piece of that well-being.
Best wishes,
Tamera Daun©
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